(This is a very long post, you have been warned.)
So you might have noticed, I'm not a very consistent blogger. I spend so much time apologising for that fact, when really, why should I be sorry? This is a hobby and I do it for myself, to make myself feel good and I don't feel that it makes me feel that way right now. When I got into this, I didn't realise just how much pressure I would feel. Pressure to post every other day, pressure to take perfect photos, pressure to use social media, pressure to take a photo of my dinner before I eat it so I can put it on Instagram.
I'm feeling very intimidated by the amount of amazing blogs that are around, blogs that I feel I can never compare to. Blogs with perfect pictures, the perfect layout, the perfect reviews. It's a lot to live up to and I don't feel that I will ever achieve it. My best friend Sian and I, both started our blogs around the same time and she has done amazingly well. She has achieved so much, she is so dedicated and I'm so proud of everything she does. Jealousy hasn't really played a part because she's my world and I'm just too happy for her to be envious, but yes, I do sometimes sit and wish I had that dedication, those opportunities to go to blogger events, that passion that has gotten her this far. But then I realise, I am too lazy to be successful.
This brings me onto another point. I moved out in May, to live with my boyfriend. Whilst I am loving being with him, I have struggled to enjoy independence. I miss my family, I miss having that protective blanket. I genuinely thought I would see them more than I do and I'm finding it really hard to be away from them so much. Around the same time, I finished University and went straight into a full time job. I have tried, so very hard, to balance out my time. To go to work, to come home and clean my house, to do my washing, to make dinner for the both of us, to make time for friends and family and to sit and write on my little Internet space. Safe to say, I haven't managed it yet. I would much rather come home, not clean my house, not do my washing, not make dinner, not see anyone, not sit in front of a computer. I would much rather get in bed or sit on the sofa under a duvet, watching Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners (oh, the irony).
I am feeling so overwhelmed with everything at the moment. I've also not been very well, probably due to how stressed I've been. I ended up with a mouth ulcer the size of a 5 pence piece. It gave me migrains, my face swelled up, my throat swelled up, I was constantly tired. I ended up being so coked up on painkillers that I pretty much spent every spare moment, asleep. All because of an ulcer. This has just added to my being shit at blogging, because the last thing I have wanted to do is sit in front of a screen pretending I'm happy.
There is too much pressure in the blogging world for me to deal with right now and you are more than welcome to judge me, to think awful things, to think I'm a hypochondriac - that is completely fine because you are not me and you have no clue as to what my coping boundaries and mechanisms are. I'm not going to stop blogging, I'm just going to think of it as less of a chore and I'm not going to force myself to write a post because it's Tuesday tomorrow and I need a post written.
I'm not entirely sure what this post is actually about, just me rambling. Maybe it will give you an insight into what it's like being me? I don't talk about myself much on here, when it comes to feelings and all that emotional jazz. I want to be passionate about this, I want to love posting for my readers. I want to enjoy blogging again. Just bare with me guys.
- Charli, xo